twitterpated

[morgue_n]

I went to a writer's retreat last weekend. They had a million little lectures, but I didn't go to hardly any of them. Instead, I wrote outside, and lord, it was gorgeous. I got a lot done, and made some great choices in terms of the project I'm working on. 

There was this woman there who I instantly fell head over heels for. I haven't had a CRUSH like that in like 5 years. It kind of fucked me up. I was so into her that I couldn't hold a conversation with her or really look her in the eyes, but I constantly wanted to be around her too.

It caught me so off guard because I'm really, really NOT bad at talking to women in general. I leave my apartment door open, and one of my lady neighbors, who is among my best friends in this country, comes over for a nip of whiskey and DEEP chats sometimes. She's attractive-- my most recent ex used to HATE her for her curves, but i'm not attracted to her. I introduced her to my friend instead, and they're now dating.

I go hookah-ing and drinking with her attractive, single friends, but I'm not interested. I carpool with middle school teachers, and most all of them are women. I stop and chat with my coworkers. some of them are hot to behold, but I can tell from a distance that we have not much in common. 

A few years ago, I got so tired of being single that I made a point to go on at least one date every week, and sometimes 3 dates a week! with different people! I just got exhausted. 

Around this time last year, I started seeing someone who I was interested in, but it wasn't a thunderbolt. It was a slow procession, and it quickly grew into something mostly sexual (due mostly, I think, to her). 

the retreat this past weekend was 2/3rds women-- I mostly spoke with women the whole time, and I didn't have a problem at all! The people I hit it off with the most this weekend were both women (one of whom shares my name, Morgan). 

But FUUUUUUCK. I had it SO bad for this one woman there. God I haven't felt twitterpated like that in forever. I DREAMED about her for days afterward. I'm still kind of reeling. To be honest, I thought I was too old for crushes like that. I thought I'd never have a crush again. It weirdly gave me hope. 

I haven't been in love since 2017. I haven't thought of myself as capable of loving or even being loved since 2017. And I haven't been in a healthy, reciprocating relationship since 2012. I forgot what dreaming like that felt like. 

I didn't get her contact info. I'm moving in a couple of months. I both rationalized "it's not worth it. why bother? so I can just have my heart torn open here in two months?" and dreamed "maybe you could catch up in Thailand later" at the same time. 

ugh I should schedule an appointment with my therapist.