Tumbleweed

[morgue_n]

I've been hanging out with my brothers more lately, which is such a relief. There are few people in the world that I feel as comfortable around as them.

My sole blood brother, Todd, is apollonian in the way that he deals with life and solves problems. Logic is his realm, he understands music on the theoretic level, he calculates prices and costs, and reads between the lines of the news. He forms his own educated opinions about things, and researches the most efficient way in all things: fitness, nutrition, electronics, whatever. He's shorter than me but built, eats well, takes pride in his appearance without being reckless with his spending, and can pretty much wrap his mind around any problem that comes his way.

My brother Cody used to be my stepbrother, but our parents divorced something like 9 years ago. Todd and I have both told him that we think of him as our brother for life, and we treat each other that way. Cody is much more dionysian in the way he lives. He's a gifted guitarist, quick to laugh, and eager to like and be liked by others. He's got some pretty rough ADHD, but takes meds for it and has calmed down and learned focus. His role in bands growing up meant that his past is full of beautiful women, douchey bandmates, and alcoholism. He's since cleaned up and gotten sober, and I'm so proud of him for doing that. He's always upbeat. He's full of joy.

I'm the oldest by around 3 years. Todd and Cody are within a month of each other in age. They both live with intelligent, good, kind, beautiful women in nice, well-decorated houses. They are responsible pet owners. They make time for their hobbies, each other, and rewarding social lives.

I have spent the past 10 years alone pursuing adventure. I have stood at the foot of Mt. Everest, practiced meditation in a Buddhist monastery for a month, and performed live in a Shanghai funk band for warehouses full of people. I have taught children how to read from scratch. I backpacked through East Europe. I smoked hookah beneath the seagulls of Istanbul, in the shadow of the Blue Mosque. I've walked through castles and bamboo groves. I've fed monkeys and stumbled upon a shinto cemetery full of fox statues. I drove around Iceland, and done yoga in rainy season in India.

But the whole time, I have felt so empty because I've been so incredibly alone.

I have defined myself based on what I've done. They've defined themselves based on who they are.

I am just a tumbleweed.