(no subject)

 I really can't choose my way forward. It's hard to decide, so I'm going to try to figure it out here.


1. Right now, I'm talking to a high school in Thailand about a possible job... but it's a 7th Day Adventist Missionary High School. Ew. As an atheist and member of the Satanic Temple, I feel disgusted by the idea of working there... but this might be my only shot to get into Thailand? Recently, the visa process has become much more complicated because of macarona. 

My friends in Thailand (Tyler and Whitney, pagans) are pushing me to go through with it. Their friend Cara (queer, weed-head, pagan) already works there and they say it's fine. Either way, there's a chance they won't hire me anyway, with my not being in the country and all. I kinda hope they deny me. Should I just bail on this? This is probably the most money I could hope to get with my current situation though, and it's a foot in the door to Thailand... 

2. I could wait until May and see what my options are then. Maybe the visa process will clear up by then, or a better school will open up. This is a huge gamble though. 

3. I could just buy a plane ticket home. My grandparents aren't doing well. A friend of mine ODd. Some other friends are getting married soon. My parent's are both about to move (despite being hella divorced, they always seem to synchronize their major life decisions), and it feels like forever since I touched base with all these people.

I could reconnect with my Uncle and my brother. I already reached out to them and told them moving home is a possibility. I told them not to tell my parent, because my father is pushy and my mother is breakable. Uncle said I could crash at his place for free, my brother said he could hook me up with a cell phone for cheap, and I could use my grandparent's car 'cause they ain't gonna be driving for a damn while. If I moved home, I could teach online classes with my old English head's online school for supplemental income while I plan my next move, hopefully south america somewhere. 

My family back home doesn't realize that this would be a temporary thing for me though. My uncle's talking about me finding a job, for example. I want it to be temporary. I hope it'd be temporary. I don't want to teach in the states, and WV is one of the objectively worst states in the union. 

I miss the old holler that I grew up in. That place is heaven. I hate the capital city, Charleston, as its full of some pretty broken, terrible, or washed up people. I pity them tbh. The city has eaten them. I hate the idea of moving back to WV as a state. The government chases anyone with plans for the future away, and devours hope and kindness and good will. 

Christ I wish I knew what my best option is. Is it go home? I'm afraid if I go home it'll be tough to get back out again. And going home without insurance isn't ideal...